Pretty freakin long, 'Bout time I said this though. Kudos to those who actually make it to the end.

      So I've been spiritually vague for a while now as some of you may have noticed. A number of things led to my spiritual ambiguity. I grew up in church, but I never knew who I was. I didn't know the truth of my identity. Listen, it's about to get real, so let me start by saying, if you're one of the friends I have that hate religious posts, don't worry, this isn't about religion. I hate religion. Religion tells me I am weak, I am a sinner, I am faulty, I need to do works to be favored by God, I suck at life... you catch the drift.
      If you're one of those friends that say Jesus is used as a crutch for people that can't handle life... then let me stop you right now and agree with you. Now I don't know how awesome your life must be, but I need a freaking crutch. I am weak. I eff up a lot. I mean, like, a lot. This past year and a half or so I've made some of the worst decisions of my life. My life was heading in a horrible direction. Thank the Lord I have a crutch, and his name is Jesus. When I made the decision to seek God, when I realized how screwed up I was, that's when He reached down, picked me up and said "What are you talking about? What sin? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Daughter, I love you just as much on your worst day as I do on your best. I'll never leave you, nor forsake you. Don't be trapped in bondage by guilt. Guilt and condemnation are not from me. I bring peace that passes all understanding. My joy is your strength. The battle has already been fought. It is finished. Walk in joy and let your mind be at peace." Whoa. This is the Star Breather, All Knowing, All Seeing, Living God.
      I am human, I walk in the flesh more than I'd like to admit, there is no way that I would be where I am right now without Christ. It used to really bother me when people said the idea of "God" was a crutch... I didn't want to be one of those people, but now I can BOAST in my weaknesses, because it's not about me, it's about Him. When God used people in the Bible, it's no coincidence that these people were extremely unlikely to be used by God. I mean, Moses was weak kneed & afraid to talk infront of people, Paul slaughtered Christians before he became "Saul," David killed a man to sleep with his wife... in the natural, there is no way that these people could be called faithful or righteous. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. In the natural it doesn't make sense, but God uses those kinds of people and it glorifies Him. Our faith rests on God's power, not on man's 'wisdom.' We shouldn't lean on the 'wisdom' of man. Now... I'm totally okay with having to lean on God. I'm okay with the fact that I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and walk, talk, and see in the supernatural despite my circumstances. It doesn't bother me that I need Him. And trust me, this did not come easy to me. As a single mother, and as a pretty independent person, I was really stubborn. I felt like I had something to prove. "I don't need anyone to take care of me, I can take care of myself." How foolish...
      Now this change in my attitude took a lot of work... like a ton. You see, not believing in God is easy. When my bestfriend lost her baby girl, it shook me to the core. I forgot who I was, who the Bible says I am. I prayed so hard and believed, and called other people who I thought were more "in" with God than I was [lol], and they prayed and believed that everything would be okay. And when she lost that little girl, I was angry. Bible verses came to me like "with faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains." Did I not have even a mustard seed worth of faith? Do you know how little those things are? And the elders and spiritual leaders I called.. what about them? Did they not believe?? From there I lost it, I became a double minded person. I still considered myself "spiritual" but, as stated early, I was spiritually ambiguous. I just kind of floated around, drifting wherever life took me, making "a higher power" fit the description of who I thought He should be... I would try to pray to this "higher power" sometimes, but felt completely disconnected, you know? Like I was talking through a telephone who's wire had been clipped? So I stopped caring. I figured, if God wants to talk to me, He knows where to find me. I'm reminded now of the story of Elijah. Long story short- he decided to go to the mountain where God gave Moses the 10 commandments. Some b&;*^# wanted to kill him so he ran from her and ran to this place where God had moved before, wanting to see God move again. And God said to him, go to the edge of the mountain, cuz I'm about to pass by. So there's this huge, fierce wind that breaks boulders off the face of the neighboring mountains... but God wasn't in the wind. And after the wind, the earth began to shake and there was a mighty earthquake... but God wasn't in earthquake.. after the earthquake a blazing fire came down from the sky, you probably guessed it, God wasn't in that either... and after the fire came a still small voice. And Elijah knew it was God. I'm reminded of another verse in the Bible that says "Be still and know that I am God." Sometimes we get so caught up in the storms in our lives and we are just waiting for this great wind, or mighty earthquake, or fire from heaven, when He is right there whispering in our ear the whole time.
      God will meet you where you're at, always... but if you want to move further, you have to make the decision to seek Him. Every day I had to seek Him. Every day I had to speak life to my circumstances. Every day I had to diligently push forward. It was a battle of the mind... even while I slept I had to block out what I thought I was, and remind myself of who I really was. I had to keep going until my heart caught up with my head knowledge. I'm going to repeat that. I had to keep pushing forward until my feelings caught up with what I knew was Truth. You can't expect to sit where you're at, wanting to build a relationship, especially one based on faith, without doing anything. You have to make the decision to believe, and be consistent with that. And most of all, you need a spirit of humility. It's funny how when we are broken and humbled, that's when we usually reach out for God... but when everything's going good, we just kind of keep Him there in the background just incase we need him to fix something for us. Listen, if you keep living your life that way, you're never going to get any further than you are RIGHT NOW. There's no growth in that. The Bible says the double minded man is like a wave of the ocean, tossed to and fro by the wind. I don't want the wind dictating my life. He says a man that wavers in completely unstable. I was completely unstable. I was moved by the wind. I was not grounded. At the top of the wave, I was all 'Peace, Love, Higher Power. Que Sera, Sera' and at the bottom of the wave, I was filled with fear, inner turmoil, self loathing, bitterness, guilt, depression. There was no stability. Every aspect of my life was suffering. I did not know who I was. I was having an identity crisis.
      Who am I? What is my identity? I'm glad you asked. I am a child of the Most High, Yahweh, El Shaddia (God Almighty), Jehovah Jireh (my Provider), I Am, The Author of Peace, The Ancient of Days, The Comforter, The Creator, The Beginning AND The End, The Everlasting God, The Maker, The Living God, The Lord of Hosts, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Holy One, Redeemer, Immanuel... I am the righteousness of Christ... not because of ANYTHING I've done, but because of what He did. I have been crucified with Christ. The old me is dead and gone, and through Christ, I am a new creation, old things are passed away and all things are made new. When God looks at me, He doesn't see the images burned into my head of the horrible things I've done. He sees the righteousness of Christ. He has forgiven and forgotten everything I've done. I am dead to the law of sin and death. I live under grace and mercy. "Mercy rewrote my life." When He was crucified, the law was buried with him. No longer does it have dominion over me. The law that says I am a sinner- ok right, SEE-Ya! Mercy says I am redeemed, restored, like new. I don't have to walk in shame for the things I've done. I walk under the umbrella of unmerited favor and grace. He looks at me with nothing but unconditional love.
      And that's who God is. That's what God is.. Love. For while we were yet sinners, he sent His son to be our replacement on that cross. That's love. I mean, while someone is screwing you over, cursing you, ignoring you etc... could you make that kind of a sacrifice for them? Well? Not in the natural, no. Not walking in the flesh. Absolutely not. But God operates in the supernatural. He is the epitome of grace, love, and mercy. Mercy is never deserved, but He gives it freely and he never looks back. Love is so important to God that Jesus talked about love being God's greatest commandment. He rebuked people who abided by the law but refused to show love to the fatherless, homeless, widows, poor and sick. In 1 Peter he says above ALL things, love.... In 1 Corinthians, he describes love as patience, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, unselfishness, slow to anger, and humility. Love always sees the best in people. Love trusts and hopes and perseveres even when in the natural, you don't have to. Anyone can love someone who is being nice to you, but how many can love people that have wronged you? People that really don't seem to deserve it. Love is the greatest form of spiritual warfare. If something is going wrong in your life, if you have an obstacle you need to overcome, go out and start loving people. See if your life doesn't change. See if God doesn't bless you. If you are having problems in your life, stop everything and study LOVE. Study how much God loves you, learn to love yourself, then get busy loving everybody else. (If you don't love yourself, then 'love your neighbor as yourself' doesn't really mean anything). You don't have to FEEL loving to show love. It's something you have to "Put On" everyday... like the "armor of God"... He gives it freely, but we have to put it on. Every morning we need to wake up and make the decision to put on peace, put on humility, put on compassion, put on a joyful attitude, and above all these put on love.
      If we are a "Godly" nation, then why is there so much suffering? We expect the government to do what we as Christians are anointed to do. Is it because we as a whole, the body of Christ, have shifted responsibility to the government? God's words to the body of Christ were to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give to the poor, be a friend to the friendless, house the homeless etc... If every "Christian" in this country would start loving a little more, that would fix our poverty problem. Think of the change that could happen if every Christ follower started loving and helping just one person a day. Because God doesn't care if you go to church and tithe and sing the songs and live a "good life".... our "good works" are like filthy rags compared to the goodness of God. There is nothing we can do that will ever earn us grace. And thank God for that, because there is no way we could ever live up to being perfect. We don't have to strive to earn it. Instead, He simply wants us to walk in love. And loving people is helping people.

*Side Note* If you are tithing, and you aren't giving with a cheerful heart, you might as well just stop. Can I tell you something? Tithing is under the law. We are not under the law, we are under Grace. When we give to our church or to an organization that helps those less fortunate, we are just opening up our lives for a blessing. I'm going to say it again, if you are facing something that in the natural seems like it's going to kick your @$$, start loving, helping, giving and see if God doesn't move mountains. The one time God says to us, "test me," is when he talks about giving. Give and see if God doesn't give back. Not just in finances but in every aspect of your life.

      Now, If you're one of those friends who is about to quote like a billion contradicting Bible verses or Old Testament images of a wrathful God, save it. I know. I've read them all. And I've come to realize there is nothing I can say or do that will change anyone's mind. All I know is that it is the goodness of God that brings people to him. Two things there... Goodness and God. Not me. God's the one who does the heart changing. And it's his goodness and mercy that bring people to Him. I'm not concerned for you, though. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. I don't have all the answers, and I'm okay with that. Cuz if I did have all the answers, would I continue to seek Him, to want to know him more? I have confidence, not arrogance. Confidence in God, that He is who He says He is, no matter where I'm at in life. No matter what, I am a child of Christ. And I am confident in the fact that He can use us no matter where we're at in life, as long as we make ourselves available. We don't need to wait to be perfect before we open up ourselves to God. Cuz let's be real... that will never happen. And I'm okay with that. Because his strength is made perfect in my weakness.

*One last thing. If you are bothered or distracted by the fact that I used certain words (Like eff, a double s, love others as even when you don't feel like it), I apologize. I use certain words for emphasis when I talk or write, and do not feel convicted in using them. If/when I feel that conviction, I'll let that go. For now, this is me, and God thinks I'm pretty rad, grammar errors and all.