- I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.
- Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It’s never: ‘What IS that? *sniff* .........muffins!’
- I got some new pajamas with pockets in ‘em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I’m like, ‘Where’s my planner? There it is. “Keep sleeping.” All right, perfect.’
- I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.
- I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many n-a’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Ba-n-a … keep going. n-a n-a … damn.’
- I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
- One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…
- A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me .’
- I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up
behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
- I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’
- I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before. What if I don't need anything? Who are you?
- The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce.... Instantly.
- I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
- I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said “I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.”
- I don’t like thank you cards because i don’t know what else to say. It’s like what to I put on the inside?.... “See Front”
- So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as i think it is? And I have a comment: yes.’”
- I feel like my washing machine is sneaky. I put clothes in there and detergent and I hear all this noise and this turning around then I open the lid to see what’s going on and it’s like,... ‘…What man we’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening, don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a Show-you-how-I-do-it machine.’
- I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
- I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am"
- About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Dang! I am less nurturing than a desert.’
**New as of 02.04.10**
- I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time
- I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an A-hole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an A-hole out here?' They look like trees.
- My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
- My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal
- I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs
- There's a saying that goes "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Okay. How about "Nobody should throw stones." That's crappy behavior. My policy is: "No stone throwing regardless of housing situation." Don't do it. There is one exception though. If you're trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it's "Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone." It's a little longer, but yeah.
(this next one is awful... sorry)
- If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters
- There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
- I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. "Hey, man, what are you playing?" "Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!"
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